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Friday, June 23 2017 @ 06:11 AM AST

Wonder Woman takes over Trinidad & Tobago cinema screens

SCORE: 5/10
Wonder Woman will be the 'it' movie in Trinidad and Tobago for a few weeks. It has at least two dedicated screens in most cinemas in the Caribbean islands. It ends with Chris Pine giving his life to save the day, blowing himself up in the sky, after telling Wonder Woman he loves her.

So women will drag their men to see it, especially since it also features quips from Gal Gadot to Chris Pine to prove her superiority to the inferior male species, like "You don't decide what I do" or something like that.

Teenage girls will also flock to see it gives the impression defying your mother will be rewarded if you sail off on a boat with a man you barely know.

Men will flock to see it for the same reason women flocked to see '300 Rise of an Empire' - lots of toned bodies jumping around (pretending to be fighting for the cameras) in their underwear.

SCORE: 5/10
Guardians of the Galaxy was unsurprisingly trash but when you go to watch movies like this you have to lower your expectations. At least it was better than Wonder Woman though. It ends with everybody living happily ever after in outer space. They kill the bad guys, including the main bad guy, but just enough to bring him back in a sequel because one of the revelations of this movie was that Pratt is a demi-god. Could it get any cheesier? Yes, his father, the ultra bad guy is the god.

SCORE: 6/10
Snatched was not as bad as I expected. It ends with everybody getting back together. Bad guy goes to jail, etcetera, but it was mildly funny in between. Very good were the veiled critiques of modern society. Amy Schumer's humour isn't too bad either, but maybe it's the writer who deserves the credit for that. Loose American values prevail, though, so be warned. And then they wonder why AIDS is killing everybody.

SCORE: 7/10
King Arthur was no classic but it was a good story albeit fantastical. It ends with the formation of the Knights of the Round Table after they kill King Arthur's naughty uncle. Overall it was good though, and next to the pearls on offer now in cinemas, this is the diamond.

SCORE: 7/10
Alien is probably the best movie in cinemas right now. It ends predictably with the bad guy winning the day. It's amazing how these pods that allow people to hibernate never open from the inside though. Why is that? How stupid are we really? Don't the moviemakers think people will find that weird?

SCORE: 4/10
Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Men Tell No Tales was trash. In fact, I feel like I'm insulting trash. It ends with the two young people living happily ever after, and Captain Jack Sparrow sailing off on the Black Pearl with his crew. Also, the young boy gets back his daddy. Pity he couldn't get back his mommy too but what the hey, it's a dumb movie. The girl's father (the bad guy pirate) killed himself to save her. Oh, so original.

SCORE: 8/10
Everything Everything was deep and thought-provoking, so I won't tell you the ending. Go see it.

SCORE: -3/10
Captain Underpants was bad. It wasn't even funny for children. I saw a dad walk out with his young daughter who had fallen asleep during the movie. This is seriously trash. I mean the kind of trash that makes you want to ask for your money back.

SCORE: 2/10
Diary of a Wimpy Kid, The Long Haul was awful. It may be good for an eight-year-old or maybe seven. If you're the adult taking the child, don't worry. There will be about one laugh and one smirk somewhere in there for you. It ends with everybody living happily ever after and they, of course, get to Meema's party.

SCORE: 1/10
Baywatch, Get Your Guard On is what is known in the industry as soft porn. It has a very immature, stupid, unoriginal plot though. Hmmm, maybe they were/are targeting wankers. The predictable ending: bad girl (the token Indian) gets blown up with fireworks. Pamela Anderson and David Hasselhoff look terrible, seriously terrible with all the plastic surgery now firm and their natural body parts aging. And yes, there will be a part two.


And I'm done. Yay!!

Illustration by DMK

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